Ascent Healing

We live in a society that seems to believe shaming is the only way to get things done. We parent using shaming such as “Do you want to be a janitor when you grow up?” (which is not to say there is anything wrong with being a janitor. All jobs are vital and worthy. But we do shame in this way.) We use name calling such as “lazy” “loser” “bum” etc… “Why can’t you be more like your sister * who gets straight A’s?” We have all heard many variations of these.

We also do the same with ourselves. I hear often clients say, “I need to kick myself in the butt to get anything done!” “I’m lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, just a loser.” It affects our self-esteem in many ways. We make a mistake and continue to punish ourselves for our mistakes years after the mistake is made and can’t seem to forgive ourselves. Sometimes people tell me, “If I forgive myself, I won’t learn my lesson and will do it again.”

The paradox here is that shame is actually the problem and not the antidote to overcoming difficult addictions or killing motivation. Who ever feels motivated to do something after they have been yelled at? Think about it. We may have certain vices or bad habits like overspending or other addictions and these are our unhealthy coping skills we go to when we are stressed. When we keep shaming ourselves and rubbing our face in our mistakes in a metaphorical sense, we increase our stress and depression and in order to calm and regulate, we go to our unhealthy habits to cope. So by shaming myself for my mistakes, I actually increase the likelihood I will use that drug or act outside my values when that is what I want to avoid!!!! Shaming makes it worse!!!

So how do we get out of this vicious cycle? Look at the art I created for this blog piece. You see a picture of a cheerleader. Let’s think about cheerleading for a minute. When you go to a basketball game, and your team misses a basket, do you yell, “You loser! You always make mistakes! You are never going to win this game! I can’t believe what a horrible player you are!” No. We don’t do that. Because we know that will lower the player’s confidence and they won’t play as well. That’s why we have a dedicated cheerleading section, to raise their spirits and tell them, “Shake it off. It’s ok you missed. Try again. You got this!” How is it that we know well how encouragement works in sports but not in the rest of life? If we yell insults at a basketball game, it’s usually at the opposing team because we know it will throw them ‘off their game’. Well, will it similarly throw a young child ‘off their game’ when we yell at them for getting a lower than desired score on a math test? Yes!

Shaming makes people want to quit. It doesn’t motivate us to do better at all. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking when your parent yelled at you to do your homework, you got it done. Ok. Does shaming work? Yes. That’s why people do it. But how do you feel inside after being shamed. Do you do your best work? Is your anxiety through the roof? Does it improve your relationships with people around you who are doing the shaming? Probably not. Would encouragement work better? Yes!

Try it with yourself. The next time you have to clean the kitchen, instead of yelling at yourself inside your head, “You filthy disgusting slob. Look at this kitchen. You can’t keep anything clean to save your life.” And you either give up and play on your phone or you begrudgingly start to clean the kitchen filled with dread and depression. How about this? “Hey, this kitchen needs some TLC. Let’s start with the dishwasher. Just focus on that to start. You got this. If you need a break after that, it’s ok. Just one plate at a time, you can do this.” Give yourself a reward. Congratulate yourself for getting the dishwasher unloaded. By then, motivation will likely kick in and you can more cheerfully finish cleaning out the sink and other tasks will follow. Give it a try.

Try encouraging your kids. Sit down with them. Cover the page of homework with a blank piece of paper except for the first problem of math so they don’t get overwhelmed. Say, “Just one problem at a time and you can do this. I believe in you.” It’s amazing what you can accomplish when anxiety is not the motivating force. You can think more clearly and feel better about yourself and what you are doing. Treat yourself and your loved ones like you do your favorite sports team. Remember the lesson. Encouragement and cheerleading improve performance and relationships where shame never will.