Ascent Healing

This picture depicts a happy family and many of my clients would give anything in the world to have this in their lives. Some of them have it in their immediate family as they have broken traumatic patterns in their family lines, but their extended family leaves much to be desired. Holidays can be especially hard for people whose families of origin are toxic beyond words. These people feel obligated to keep up the holiday fascade by gathering for Thanksgiving and Christmas parties which leaves them falling apart for days or weeks afterwards in the aftermath of their mental health. Keeping the peace by going seems easier than setting boundaries and saying ”No.”

If you are in this position, where you feel it is too hard to break ties from the toxicity, you are not alone. There are no easy answers here. Breaking ties can bring negative ramifications that you would rather not face and that is okay. It’s okay to be where you are in this moment. I remember being there myself and I thought people who told me to leave my toxic family behind did not understand. Growing up in a highly religious community in which ”families are forever”, this was very controversial and highly discouraged. As you can see from my journal entry below, I was trying to heal emotionally while still staying around my abusers which was just not possible. Every time I was around my family of origin, I would be emotionally unstable for many days afterward as I tried to clean up the mess from the ”Trauma-bond”. Denial was a steady foe in my life. But as I have told my clients, denial is a defense mechanism. The very fact that denial needs to be used, is proof that something happened that they need to defend themselves from. Otherwise, there would be no need to deny anything!

Here are some ideas to help you, if like I used to be, you aren’t ready to step away from your family.

1- Have a plan before you go. Have some phrases ready to combat things you expect to hear in order to shut the conversations down, if possible, or try to avoid certain topics.

2- Bring some comfort items with you to keep you grounded: a special rock or worry stone, a necklace, a ring, scented oil or lotion, piece of comforting fabric, or any object of significance that helps you.

3- Take someone with you who supports you if possible or have a plan to immediately go somewhere supportive and safe after the interaction with your family to help you avoid doing any self-destructive actions afterwards such as drinking alcohol, using drugs, self-harming, etc.

4- Remember that now is not “then” (meaning when you were growing up) and you can leave at any time. Make your visit time-limited. Let people know when you arrive that you are only staying for a certain amount of time. Have some other obligation planned to help you follow through by leaving to go to a movie or something similar.

5- Don’t let them ”gas-light” you. Some common gas-lighting phrases are ”I’m just kidding around” ”you don’t remember things the way they were” ”You shouldn’t feel that way” ”You only care about yourself” ”If you really loved me……” You can look up gaslighting and find a lot of information about this type of manipulation. Basically, gaslighting is anything that tries to deny your reality of how you feel or what you have experienced or are experiencing.

You can get through this. You matter. You are important. Don’t let people you care about tell you otherwise if they are toxic. You are not alone. Many people struggle this time of year. Use coping skills and stay safe.

Note: the lyrics in the journal entry are from the song ”Monsters” by All Time Low and the sticker is from the video game, Hollow Knight.